Chapter 45
Dating - Renting a Boy/Girlfriend
Here in the US, dating is a very common thing. We will find someone sometime, it might be in middle school, high school or later. If we don’t have someone during those years, we may feel left out because others have someone. We ask someone to go out but are turned down and sometimes when we are rejected, we may have a tendency to wonder what is wrong with us and why can’t we find someone. Or we may not be interested in anyone or we don’t want someone at this time in our life. Also, we might be too shy. Whatever the reason.
In China, it is different. School is priority. When I was in China the first time, 2002-2004, it was frowned upon for high school students to have a boy/girlfriend. The parents didn’t want their son or daughter to be dating someone. Even the teachers at school try to stop it. I remember one time that one of my female students told me that if a boy and a girl were walking out of the school together, a teacher would try to stop them from being together. School was a time for learning, not to date someone.
It has changed somewhat in China now. If someone has a boy/girlfriend, it might be kept quiet by the two people but your classmates may know about it. It is more open now. During my first time in China, I only saw two couples, husband and wife, holding hands on the street as they walked. Otherwise I didn’t see any show of affection. I remember being told that when some of the teachers that came here to the US to teach, they would not show public affection to their spouse when they went home even after being away from them for a year. When the teacher that was here went back to China and met their spouse at the airport, they would not hug. They would hug their child. Affection was kept behind closed doors. It has changed more now. You see university students showing affection like we do here. They may hug in public. I did see couples now and then at parks that would be sitting close to each other and the guy would have his arm around the girl. During my second time in Luoyang, twice I actually saw a guy and girl kiss on the street. That was really strange for me to see that there.
In China, you will get married and you will have a child. That has always been the policy. Family policy. If you don’t have someone by the time you are 25-26 years old, you can ask friends to introduce you to someone or your parents and grandparents will help also. I have wondered if someone couldn’t find that special person and the parents or friends helped find someone, did the couple actually love each other by the time they were married or did that happen after they were married? After you meet someone, usually within a year or at most two years, you will be getting married. As time goes on, then you decide when you will have a baby. It might be within a year or some are now waiting longer until they are around thirty years old. Some people are waiting longer to work on their careers.
If you are a girl in China and you aren’t married by the time you are thirty, you are considered an old maid. This has become a problem now because there are many men and women over the age of thirty that are not married.
I believe it was when I went back to China in 2010 that I first heard about girls renting a boyfriend. I think it works both ways, a boy renting a girlfriend also, but it was mostly talked about where a girl rented a boy. You would pay whatever the price was to take a boy home to introduce him to the parents. The boy was called a fake boyfriend. The parents weren’t told that of course. It would make the parents and others think that the girl had a boyfriend and that would take a lot of the pressure off. If you wanted the boy to hold hands, give a kiss, hug or go to a movie, that would cost extra.
One of my friends introduced her friend to a man and they ended up happily married and now have a son. Another friend of mine was introduced to a man, they are married and have a son. I really don’t know how happy they are. When I met my friend’s husband, there didn’t seem like there was much happiness between them. But this is what someone from the outside sees. I had thought about asking her but I don’t know if that is the right thing to do. She is such a nice sweet girl. I just want her to be happy. Maybe someday I’ll find out.
The article below was in the China Daily paper online and I copied it so anyone that reads this can see what it is like at this time.
"A Growing number of Chinese women “renting” boyfriends for New Year’s.
(China Daily Paper, February 23, 2015)
A growing trend in China is the sale of fake boyfriend rental services, particularly on China’s largest online market place called Taobao. Many young women are buying these services as a way to relieve some of the marriage pressure from their parents.
Unmarried female migrants returning home to celebrate the Chinese New Year often face reprimands from extended family members about their unmarried status. For many women in China, if they’re not married by the time they’re thirty they are considered old maids or they could also face gossip for being abnormal.
To prevent such a reaction, many rent a boyfriend for the Chinese New Year for anywhere from 1,000 RMB ($160) to 10,000 RMB ($1,599) a day. Men put their companionship up for sale. Romantic “extras”, such as holding hands, going to the movies and cuddling cost extra according to a Foreign Affairs report.
China's leading e-commerce site is seeing an explosion of requests for boyfriends-for-hire. One young man thinks it's a cool way to earn some money during the holidays. He is charging 300 yuan ($50) a day. If the high price scares you, he's offering some freebies, including holding hands and hugs. But a kiss is going to set one back 50 yuan ($8.50) each time and it's going to cost 30 yuan ($5) per hour for chatting with the parents. Moreover, he wants his potential client to pay his accommodation fare. Another guy wants 800 yuan ($135) a day extra for shopping, chatting, watching movies and attending parties. If he needs to drink alcohol, more fees will be levied.
More than 260 rent-a-boyfriend services are available on Taobao, a Chinese website, with more popping up after news of the service spread across the internet. The emerging business caters to those who are anxious to bring a boyfriend home to meet their parents.
Tang Denghua, clinical psychology center of Peking University, said "Parents hope their children will have their own family and careers, so youngsters are under great pressure. Renting a boy or girlfriend on the internet is kind of a method to release such pressure."
According to the report, there are an estimated seven million unmarried women between the ages of twenty-five and thirty-four in urban areas in China. Around seven percent of highly educated women won’t be married until they are forty-five years old."
Chapter 46
Dating and Marriage Arrangement Squares
When students are in high school, the parents, and even the schools, don’t want the students to have boy/girlfriends. This has changed some but it is still the norm from what I have heard. The students are in school to study, pass exams and get high grades so they can get into a good university, get a good job and have a good future.
On September 18, 1980, a law went into effect starting the one child policy to help control the growing population. Being a family had one child, the parents had one chance to raise that child to the best of their ability. The parents didn’t want their child to be distracted by the opposite sex. That could happen in college or later. If a boy or girl had someone they liked, they would keep it quiet.
Usually by the time they are twenty-five years old, they are looking for someone to marry. They are aware of this earlier than that age, of course. Chinese usually get married between twenty-five and thirty years old. Some are waiting until later now because they are working on their careers or it could also be that they haven’t found anyone.
For someone reading this, it will help them understand what a girl or boy goes through if they cannot find someone. If someone has not found anyone to date by the time they are twenty-five or twenty-six years old, then friends, parents and grandparents will start helping. One of my friends had help like this. In China, you will get married and you will have a child. I also have a chapter entitled "One Child Policy" which can help explain some things about the Chinese culture. The pressure is on them to find someone. This is how the family continues through marriage and a child and also the family name is carried on.
There is another way that has become popular for finding someone. I do not know if it is done all over China but I have seen articles telling about this in Shanghai and Beijing. Somewhere in the city there will be a meeting place. Parents will write up information about their son or daughter and hang up a paper at this meeting place for others to read and the parents are right there to check the interested person out. They will ask that person all kinds of questions to decide if they are fit for their child. These places are called “marriage arrangement squares”.
Back to where the child is trying to find someone. Also in China, after a few dates and the couple like each other, they are looking at the other person seriously about if that person is someone they want to marry. It is possible that they may get married one year later or it could be up to be two years. It all depends upon each situation. This decision is taken very seriously, of course, like it should be for everyone. After the couple decide to get serious, then they get the parents together to meet and then things go from there. If both sets of parents are happy about their child’s choice and the parents approve of each other, then things continue from there for future plans. This is a big decision and event in China, different than how it is looked at in the US.
There is something else that has changed over the years that puts more pressure on the man. He is expected to have a decent job, a place to live for them to move into and possibly a car. This is not always true of course. Sometimes those things don’t work out or may come later but those things are a concern now.
I have friends that got married and later they found a place to live. Until then, they would stay with either the groom’s or bride’s parents. That is common in China. If the couple has a place but it is not ready to move into yet, they will live with the parents until then.
Also when the couple has a child, the parents and baby will move into one of the new grandparent’s places. They will live with them for some time and the grandparents help take care of their grandchild. That’s how it is done in China. One of my friends stayed at her parent’s house when she and her husband had a baby and both mother-in laws were there. The husband’s mother came there each day and stayed to help and would then go home at night. In the US, we think it’s bad having one mother-in-law around.
I have read that the average age in Shanghai for females to wed is twenty-nine years old and for men thirty-two. This is according to the 2010 Marriage Registration Statistics. Things are changing in China and both men and women are wanting careers and money of their own before they settle down.
Chapter 47
Arranged Marriages
I was talking about different things in class one day about how some things in America are done. The students are very interested in our culture. I also talked about arranged marriages in China and I had heard that years ago in China this is how a lot of marriages were done. I told them that I heard it still happens in the countryside. I don’t know how much of that goes on anymore. One of the teachers told me that there was still a lot of this 40-50 years ago.
One of my eleventh grade students gave me the letter below. It is a true story about her friend that she grew up with. It was really nice of her to give me this. I added a couple of things in parenthesis to help show what she meant.
Rick,
You want to know something about marriage in Chinese countryside. It’s a little hard to speak for me. So I wrote it down.
I want to tell you a story about my friend. She is an eighteen year old girl. We lived in the same village when we were little. She didn’t go to high school because her parents don’t have so much money. So she has to work in Shenzhen but her pay is very little, maybe she can get 500-600 yuan ($60-$75) per month. We often talk by phone or letter.
She will marry a boy two years later. But she never love the boy. Her parents forced her to marry. Her parents still remain the feudal marriage idea. They think the youngster's marriages were totally controlled by parents. My friend hates this, she wants to get away from her family but it’s so hard. She can’t get a good job in the city. Now, I often encourage her, you should never give up, take everything seriously and your dream will come true.
In my home town, many girls or boys judge a boy or a girl by looking (looks) or money. They never date before marriage, they don’t know about each other. A lot of them don’t have love.
I hate this. I think looking (looks) and money are not important. Money I can earn. Looking (looks), everybody will turn (change). So heart is forever, love is the most important. I wish more and more girls in my hometown want to change the situation. I don’t wish they still think it’s right, it’s good. They should change themselves.
It’s so different between the city and countryside in China. So I’m a lucky one, I came to Luoyang ten years ago. I can go to university and make my dream true. In China, we also have a lot to do, we should work hard.
Rick, How do you think my article? I wish you know China deeper.
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